❤️ confessions of a soon to be bedazzled butt bling hoe... ❤️
❤️
Elz'ie cocker moment:
all your eggs are in one basket...
NOT really, my ovaries dried up last century
and my uterus is trying to pull a houdini and escape my vagina.
them: Which came FIRST, the chicken or the EGG?
me: E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E loves playing guessing games with me,
So lets PLAY:
duck, duck, GOOSE instead.
🐣
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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REALmoment(s):
E-L-Z-O-R-A you are MY spirit animal.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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have YOU figured out XYZ...Y-E-T?
me: is that a new terminal?
them: 🙈
me: .... ☝️
or wait 🖐️
a geographic acronym and initialisms?
or N-O,
I mean...
uuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhh
H-O-L-D ON...
theGaLLERY OF NUT(s): SPIT IT OUT already.
O-H ha ha ha ha ha 🫠
destination E-L-Z-O-R-A?
...RIGHT?
ALLof THEM: is this BITCH being SERIOUS 🤣
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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YEG MiLFYmoment:
I love your mind.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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me: she doesn't think W-E need saving...
BUT... you DID save the day.
🙏
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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HOEmoment:
him: I think you jingled my BALLS and sucked my soul out of my cawk
me: hoe... hoe... hoe
🍆💦
👀
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
❤️
theNUT(s): ...you are NOT suppose to look back
BUTT sumtimes I do and I SEE him.
tHe PeAnUt GaLleRy: W-H-O
🤐
me: *on thinking mode*
...except for that ONE time...
T-H-E-M: ☝️
me: I just happened to do the look back AND he was recording me I-N doggie.
THEM: W-H-O
me: sumRANDOMguy I met....
W-H-O would want to SEE T-H-A-T?
ALLofTHEM: W-H-E-N
me: ☝️
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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him: Elzora, I'm selective on who I share company with...
Y-O-U are good people.
me: 🐸
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
❤️
ThE PeAnUT gALlEy: 👀
ThE HOE committee: where's MY girl
ThE NUT(S): 👀
👇😮👆
👈
👉
me: 😶🌫️
👻
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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S-H-E is FCUKing him E-L-Z-O-R-A.
me: she can't fcuk us both at the same time and call it a A ménage à trois
🤣
SHE isn't French.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
❤️
I
A-M
ADDICTED
TO
YOU.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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me: do you have a PLAN?
her: yes... and one FOR the plan and A plan for THE plan
me: are we running through the alphabet, RIGHT now?
her: ...YES
me: lets just not get stuck on F....
WE already got FCUKED. We need to switch THIS up a bit.
theNUT(s) does sum one have popcorn?
me and her: 🤣🤣🤣🤣
H-O-L-Y shit balls.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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W-H-A-T happened?
me: 👀
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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...RaNdOm rAmBlings:
blah blah blah...you know, like the moon cycle... like witchy wonders dancing in the moon light
there must be some truth in the stars, because like if you're a Gemini for instance you have certain personality traits
AND...astrology...
her: I A-M a Gemini
me: I did NOT... know THAT.
...I'm just under S-T-R-E-S-S.
It's JUST stress.
her: 👀
him: 👀
me: 😬
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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Elzora, turn your FCUKing espn(er)s OFF and get your bubble wrap on
me: can we stop at MEC please? I have a gift card for THAT.
....maybe a ONE piece snow suit will help
😁
like....a NEON ORANGE one so I look like a.... pilon.
him: ELZORA, we dont have time for THAT- get packed we NEED to go.
theNUT(s) maybe if you are crossing the road.
...oh ya, THEY like to play GREEN light when its RED.
OH Y-E-A-H I forgot.🙄
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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when a guy is on a pussy quest and the address isn't popping up on GPS
but tries to call SIRI, ALEXA is busy
and Elzora is W-A-I-T-I-N-G
😵
WHAT? No one knows how to read a MAP?
AND you complain about gen x?
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddddddd...I thanked my LUCKY STARS....
tHePeAnUt(s): that is SO something SHE would say.
me: years later, watching Netfcuks...with the same quotes
them: THAT I-S sumthang YOU said.
*the writer who crossed me mind, pops into my headspace*
MOTHERfcuker.
Where's MY royalties.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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WHAT do you want ME to do?
MAKE a house CALL and extend my hand to INTRODUCE MYSELF to her?
...and CALL it, plausible deniability?
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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a song....
I NEED TO FEEL
two muses after
for you.
and YOU
AND y-o-u
you, you and YOU.
love,
the voice of an angel
🎶💦
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
❤️
theHOEcommittee:
thank you ALL for cumming. This emergency HOE meeting was called because
bLaH BLAH BLLLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH, bbbbbbbLLLLAAAAAHHHHHHHH
BLAHHHHHHHHHH blah bLaH, BLAH...
...SHE says/writes/DOES what everyone ELSE thinks/wants to say/doesn't
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G ELSE while we are on the SUBJECT?
theFLYonTHEwall: definition SUBJECT: Elzora Blair.
hoe189827364528193: 👀
hoesYYC: 👀
BITCHhoes: 👀
mousyHOE: and... she DOES what we CAN'T.
quietHOE(s): 👀
CRAZY(Hoes): 👀
CUNT(y)hoes: 👀
FEDERALhoes: 👀
UGLYhoes: 👀
PLASTIC(HOE)s: 👀
postal(hoe)s: 👀
princess(hoe)s: 👀
dumbHOE(s): 👀
expensive(HOE)s: 👀
FANcy(hoe)s: 👀
wildHOES: 👀
hoesYEG: 👀
everyKINDofHOE: 👀
dumbHOEs: WHO....is.... ELZ......
cheapASS(hoes): 👀
hoesTHATdon'tKNOW: 👀
theGOODhoes: 👀
OLDladyMADAMhoe: AND...
you DID T-H-A-T...
...TO H-E-R.
TO HER.
R-E-A-L-L-Y!
do YOU know WHAT she DOES?
ALLtheHOES: 👀
MADAM(boss)LADYmanHOE: unless YOU want hoe school....
I suggest you make THIS write.
OLDladyHOE: Y-O-U ALL have NO idea what you have DONE.
*chatter*
*noise*
*nonesense*
*more BULLshit*
*complaining*
hoe1029384392839405947362537: HOW... does S-H-E due THAT?
allTHEhoes: 👀
one SPECIALhoe IN THE CORNER:
FCUK A-L-L of you.
SHE is GOOD.
*silence*
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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THAT guy makes me RIGHT stupid.
friendlyHOE: what did you do...THIS time El'z.
me: I was afraid of what I MIGHT say so I shoved half of my bagel in my mouth
😁
ALL at ONCE.
hoeFRIEND: ooooohhhhhh NOOO, you didn't 🙈
me: YEP
AND I almost choked on it.
hoeFRIEND(s): 🤣
me: he thought it was a REALLY big bite 🤣
....I don't think he would have done mouth to mouth
everyONEelseLISTENING: 🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: 😬
...well maybe if it was HIS COCK, he wood..
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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when sumbody has to book me to tell me:
I thought it was funny when you reprimanded him.
I didn't get banned for anything I said.
👀
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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a HOE with a purpose moment:
...go to give him a hug
MAN, you smell like diesel.
him: THAT was the deal.
me: *nodding* I missed you.
him: i haven't seen my wife in 20 days and I'm HERE with you.
me: BUT you GOT the job...
👌
...you can pay ME and take care of her.
theNUT(s): 🤣
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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him: Elzora, I don't deserve your kindness.
me: most don't...
I KNOW.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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everybody LOVES you.
🙄
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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...yes, I know ALL about THAT gang,
I have a *LAST NAME REDACTED* in MY family and their mother had to do the 10,000 dollar BUY OUT option
don't TALK to ME like I don't KNOW or that your giving me NEW news.
🙄
THAT was over 25 years ago.
HOW old ARE Y-O-U...
O-HHHHHHHHHHHH...
Let me guess.
25-30?
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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she/her/ME: I can SEE the FCUKERY.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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Y-O-U are always ONE step ahead
does that take into account all the near misses, miss-steps and mis everything(s)?
👀
SORRY... N-O-T sorry.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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NObody is going to date her if she is doing THIS.
me: no ONE was before A-N-Y-WAYS.
🙄
one of my MOST famous "before I was a HOE" moments:
I'm NOT selling body parts YET...if I WAS, I'd have MORE money than I already DO and I'd actually have a sex life.
How could you miss sumthang you could NEVER have ANY-ways?
theNUT(s): but, don't you WANT a husband?
me: I need a SIX PACK of husbands.
🐸
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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they just like the IDEA of her.
and her...
AND her.
and THEM.
A-N-D .... 🫵
Elzora.
me:yaaaaaaaaaaaay lucky ME
🥴
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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Elzora is FURIOUS.
...Elzora, calm, statuesque drinking her coffee.
*inbetween her head*
F-U-R-I-O-U-S,
FROTHING at the mouth.
🥸
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
❤️
you can't tell if she is a boy or a girl...
when she IS walking
me: is THAT so.
👀
GOOD thing the CAMERAS don't know THAT.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
❤️
when you think your having De-Va-VU because we are passing the same cars we already saw
and then you remember, we stopped for a bathroom break.
OH- Y-E-A-H. Here I thought I was crazy or something.
🙄
them: ELZORA, its deja-vu.
me: right 😁
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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him: don't EVER change.
me: 👀
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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WHEN they try to charge ME the pink tax and I've been PAYING I-T my entire life:
even with my uterus trying to escape my pussy, only attached by defective ovaries and blood is running down my leg....
LIKE A FACET.
me: I specifically picked the variety pack because it was on SALE.
I don't care if it's a dollar, four, or fifty cents, I'm paying the price it SAYS
NOT what was scanned at the till.
MOST women WOULD be embarrassed and not say a thing.
NOT ME.
A-L-L of you CAN now pay regular price.
thanks,
MANAGEMENT.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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NOW...
you KNOW what you ARE missing.
🥸🫵
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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GoldSTARmoment:
him: if YOU don't tell me....then I don't KNOW.
me: really, thats like smacking someone upside the head not as hard as you could
and telling them you could have done it harder but they didnt tell you not to.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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QUOTE of the century:
*when a guy you've never met and YOU haven't even opened your mouth yet...
blurts out:
ONLY us OLD guys K-N-O-W THAT
me: 🙈 know WhAt?
thePEENUTgallery: 👀
theNUT(s): 👀
ALLthe HOES WORLD WIDE: 👀
EVERY FCUKING MEMBER OF PARLIMENT: 👀
THE LEGISLASTIVE ASSEMBLY: 👀
NON PROFIT(s): 👀
everyone WHO GETS PAID for THAT: 👀
💩
*a bunch of people shitting their pants*
me: HOW would I know W-H-A-T?
*everyone* 👀
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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Elzora, you SHOULD play poker.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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we BOTH have fully loaded guns
ponderings of a hoe:
OHHHHHHH I F-E-E-L so SAFE.
🤣
you can't bring those IN my bedroom.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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when you HAVE to call 911 for a completely unrelated reason
and dispatch is screaming at you:
"WHAT'S YOUR UNIT NUMBER".
*almost like the created shit show...is a distraction to collect info*
me: for MY safety, I can't disclose THAT to you.
😵
ELZORA'S phone blows up when corruption hits the PRESS.
her: did you read the article?
her4: GOOGLE the NEWS.
her2: did you see it?
me: W-H-O cares??!!?!
THEY call me crazy
😮
...they ALL have to see it to believe it.
NONE of THIS means anything to ME
unless SUMONE acknowledges WHAT DID/HAS/continues to happen.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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Elzora, YOU A-R-E brilliant.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang
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I'm working ON SUM T-H-A-N-G
me: my pussy is NOT going to do jumping jacks
OR laps..
P-E-R-I-O-D.
entry courtesy of: @MissSumThang